fade into the air
It's been a long time since i wrote here. things have changed a lot. It's hard to describe all the ways things have changed. it is so much easier now that the body is a boy, or is presenting as a boy. and we have lost a lot of weight: i don't know what we weight now but it doesn't matter nearly as much as it used to. i know we've lost at least fifty pounds, though, and because of the testosterone i think we're still losing width and such while gaining muscle, and muscle is okay. we have to wear a belt now to keep our pants on and that is neat. it's not... so much about that now. i feel so much better now that we are not living with a man. i think maybe i am a lesbian, or at least i don't like boys. and there was something about that big fat slob fucking us and getting his greasy body all over us that made me want to become thinner and cleaner and purer until i simply disappeared. (and no, I am NOT sorry i said that: it's how i feel).
but it is better now. and we eat better, more fresh fruit and vegies and simple food, not so much processed, and that makes me feel much better too. and it is just better. and it is organic food too. i still do not like to eat: but we do not eat too much these days, and we walk and exercise often.
perhaps some of it is that this body is further from my own, and in an odd way that comforts me. i do not have to make it like my own: gender, as opposed to thinness, protects me now.
April 12, 2003
hello there. my name is accacia.
i don't think the others want me to be writing here. that's okay. i don't like them too much either much of the time. they think that the body can be a gluttonous pig and we don't have to worry about it. i know that we should lose at least fifty pounds, maybe more. probably closer to a hundred. we are way too fat. they don't agree with me of course. they say i have "an eating disorder". but they still listen to me lately. because the others are starting to agree with me. the body IS fat, and we DO need to lose weight. we are ugly like this. three years ago we were much better. they don't understand that. but that's alright. as long as i am in charge that's alright.
i don't try to be the bad guy. and i know it's not their fault for not understanding. the littles can't even quite concieve of what the body looks like now. some of that's the weight, i think. they eat a lot of sweets and fatty foods, and eat food for comfort. i mean, i know we need to eat, but that's not how we should be eating. and we should be doing a lot more exercise. that statement alone makes me very unpopular here, but it's quite true. i wish the others tried to understand me more. they just can't see what i see.
now we have this stupid thyroid condition. *sigh* i guess it explains why my methods of helping us lose weight haven't been working. the good news about this is the medication is supposed to make us lose quite a bit of weight at first, and make it easier in the long run to lose MORE weight as it speeds up our metabolism (and will give us more energy so we can do more exercise).